Yet again, another post prompted by a conversation with a friend.
I swear, in 2009, she's the only person I know who still gets overtly judgmental when even happy, productive and healthy couples have met online. For me, this takes things a little too far. There are, quite simply, a lot of factors in the world today that prevent people from forming relationships, romantic or otherwise, and that it is understandable that people use technology to bridge that gap.
Now, don't get me wrong, I agree that there are problems with internet dating. It does take something special out of the process of romance, and it can certainly overly sexualize the experience. However, I think the bigger problem is the fact that, online, throughput is so high that we tend to commoditize our potential mates. She's a doctor? Plus 3! He's bald, minus 2! He seems smart, but that GUT! Her politics are on point but her face pics are blurry. It's a big mishmash of the sexual, the intellectual, the professional, and it just feel a little dehumanizing to objectively break someone down into their respective pluses and minuses and evaluate their dating potential all before ever laying eyes on them (at least a version that hasn't been converted into 1s and 0s).
All of that being however ineloquently stated, I quite simply believe that the social institutions that once existed for building relationships are breaking down. When I was graduating from college I was petrified. The way in which I had always interacted with people, my mechanism for building friendships and romantic relationships, had always been school. Other students shared some of the basic tenants for a relationship: maybe shared goals or interests, similar political opinions, life goals. We had things in common, classes and teachers for one, that drew us together. Facing the outside world without these institutions that built commonality seemed impossible.
And, for better and worse, our cultural institutions have evolved over the past few generations. Neighborhoods that once held strong ethnic or cultural identities have often integrated (read: assimilated) into mainstream society. "Mainstream society" has less cultural identity which can bind together groups and individuals (for reference: The Wages of Whiteness). I know fewer young people who are active in their churches. Workplaces have often been decentralized and personal relationships are often discouraged. All this to say the following: where are young people meant to meet each other?
If you're not interested in crazy lefti-ness you can just go ahead and skip the next paragraph. I'm essentially opining the loss of institutions that once bound communities together. From a profit motive standpoint, strong community associations are not necessarily desirable. Communities, with shared interest and a shared investment in one another's humanity will come together and rally for their common benefit. Individuals feel isolated and helpless, more willing to work for a non-living wage and suffer the loss of healthcare and educational opportunity in silence. The nuclear family, where neighbors are only cordially connected to one another and the basic societal unit essentially is about producing wealth and children, is truly ideal.
But in today's world where physical if not social mobility is relatively high and many people end up far away from the (nuclear) family connections they do have, what options have they for forming relationships? And is the internet such a bad option to fill that void? Does it further cement the death of our already dissolving cultural institutions? Thoughts? Feelings? Good and bad hook up stories? Please, blog-o-sphere, I am at a loss.
1 comment:
It's significant that the photo you associate with this article is from Match.com: In the digital age, impersonal mechanisms attempt to usurp functions once performed by one's friends and family. Dating websites play the role of matchmaker for busy, disconnected humans, and they seem to have a fair success rate. Of course, as you mention, the search for a partner can degenerate into checklists and point systems. I believe this is a feature of all impersonal gathering of information.
I see pieces of information (cyclist, vegan, practises yoga), and these become reference points for a holographic image i create in my mind. I then relate to my concept of a person rather than to her/his totality. Granted, it's not possible (voire desirable) to know or be known completely. The internet may be a reasonable place to initiate relationships, though it seems a poor substitute for more human(istic) agency.
I'm specifically thinking again of the 'matchmaker', an archetype we largely ignore in modern society. We have the good old girls and boys, but we lack a personal agent who contrives to bring them together, often with ignorance of the matchmaker's intentions. Friends, naturally, could serve in this capacity, but i wonder if this job is one more task we feel too busy to perform. I struggle to remember the last time i played matchmaker for a friend, but what stumps me further is trying to remember when last a friend asked me to do so.
I'm reminded here of a line from The Ethical Slut, a lovely volume from the 90s that deals with responsible polyamory: "I have to remember that it's my responsibility to get my needs met." 'Romantic partner' falls into the 'need' category for me, as i would imagine it does for those who use internet dating services. I agree with you, Joe: we lack social institutions to promote fulfillment of this need.
I think this is where asking our friends comes into play--not just any friend, bien sûr. People who love us and wish us happiness (friends) with whom we are not romantically involved can serve as lodestones, attracting those positive vibrations present in potential romantic partners. Some people are excellent magnets; others need to work harder. In our circles of friends, maybe we need to ask one another to work harder at attracting people into our social circles who can meet the sexual/romantic needs of their members.
[insert postmodern/leftist rant concerning capitalism's creation of false needs and distortion of true needs, the latter of which remain undiscoverable]
This whole discourse leaves me wondering what we can do to create a culture of permeable social circles. College was like this. Dolores Park (SF) is often like this. How do we show openness to 'the stranger' and thereby invite into our lives the chance encounters that may become relationships? How do i make sure that cute boy sitting with his friends knows that he's welcome to come toss a disc with us?
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